After Dinner Speech: Not an Ordinary Pig

Try as they might, governments will never make you happy.

I’ve heard many after-dinner speeches. I have been in the audience listening to them, and I’ve been up in front giving them. I’ve been to so many that I decided to make a study of speeches. And I am happy to say that I have discovered the secret ingredient to a successful after-dinner address. Surprisingly, it’s not the topic of the speech or how well it is delivered. The secret ingredient is length—the shorter, the better. And tonight, I can assure you that I intend to strive for true greatness.

So, in the interest of efficiency, I’m going to give you my takeaway point right up front. What I want you to remember from my speech tonight is that some pigs are very special. I know what you are thinking—what’s this guy on about? But have patience; all will become clear.

It may seem strange to ask this question after such a wonderful meal, but I wonder if anyone in the audience tonight is finding the world a little hard to bear. If you are, I want you to take heart—the government is here to help you. No longer will economists, those dismal Cassandras, focus solely on making and spending money. In future, the goal of economics will be to make us all happy.

Governments in the UK, Canada, and America have replaced the boring job of balancing their ledgers with the more exciting task of spreading joy through the land. In Australia, we now have a well-being framework that encourages flexible and shorter working hours and longer, better-paid maternity and paternity, child care, and other forms of leave. I am certainly not against these things, provided, of course, that employers and employees can make them work.

But to tell you the truth, I’m not sure these measures will spread joy through the land. An election is always imminent. Instead of timid little demands, this is an opportunity to extract big whoppers from would-be governments. So here is my idea of a true happiness platform:

Fellow citizens vote for us, and we will devote every working hour to improving your personal life and making your relationships happy. As our first measure, we will require all single people to enrol in government-subsidised dating services. That’s right—if we are elected, even the most desperate among you will be guaranteed a date every Saturday night.

For those new to the mysteries of romance, we will provide free training videos. These will include all genders and dispositions. To help maintain your intimate relationships, once you form them, our centralised message bank will automatically send a reminder to your mobile phone one week before your partner’s birthday or your wedding anniversary. In addition, tax deductions will be allowed for government-approved champagne, flowers and chocolates.

Now I may be just an old grump, but as you can probably tell, I’m a little dubious about the idea that government legislation can make us happy. As I see it, if laws made people happy, we would already be the most jovial people on earth because every aspect of our lives is already subject to one law or another. There are laws governing smoking, drinking, schooling, working, buying, selling, driving, raising children, travelling, holidays, and even dying. Nothing is too small to be left to chance.

Has this led to worldwide happiness? Hardly There’s a pandemic of depression circling the globe. No one is happy, and I humbly suggest that less, not more, legislation is the answer.

According to the anthropologist Marshall Sahlins, “People who conceive life to be a pursuit of happiness must be chronically unhappy.” Happiness is not a goal of its own; it is a by-product of using one’s abilities and living up to one’s potential. It comes from satisfying relationships and fulfilling work. Without these things, all the laws in the world will make little difference.

Happiness is also closely related to freedom, including from governments who want to make us happy. Governments often assume they can make better judgements about people’s welfare than they make on their own. Unfortunately, world history does not support this assumption. There have been many more bad governments than good ones. To protect freedom, we must guard against those who seek to legislate it away, but we must also defend it from ourselves. World history is not full of good governments, and it is not full of good voters either. Remember, Adolph Hitler, was elected to office.

Chiselled in stone at the Rockefeller Centre in New York is the legend,

Freedom resides in the supreme value of the individual, in a government that is the servant of people, not their master, and in a society in which everyone has the opportunity to make a living but in which no one is owed one.

Former US President Ronald Reagan, who certainly agreed, told a story about our complacent and heedless attitude toward our blessings. It begins with the proverbial business traveller invited to stay for dinner with a farm family. He finds the farmer, his wife, three children, and a pig seated at the table. The pig has three medals hanging around its neck and a wooden leg.

The guest cannot help but comment. “I see a pig is joining us for dinner”.

“Yep, says the farmer, “but this is an extraordinary pig. See those three medals around his neck? You might like to know how he got them.”

“I would”, said the guest.

“Well, one day, our oldest son fell in the pond and was drowning. The pig dove into the pond swam to our boy, and pulled him back to safety. He got the first medal for saving our boy’s life.

He got the second medal when a fire accidentally lit up the barn trapping our daughter inside. The pig ran in through flames, got his teeth into the edge of her jumper and dragged her out of the burning barn.

A little while later, when our youngest was cornered in the stockyard by an angry bull, that pig squirmed under the fence, grabbed the bull by the tail and held him while our boy escaped. He got the third medal for that”.

The guest said, “I can see why you have the pig at the dinner table and why he got the medals. But, tell me, how did he get the wooden leg?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “a pig like that, you don’t want to eat all at once”.

Friends, like the farmer’s pig, the blessings of social and economic freedom are constantly threatened, even by those who benefit from them most. We are too quick to give up our precious gifts in exchange for empty government promises of safety and happiness. Let us resolve not to be like that farmer. Let us not permit the liberty and freedom that have given us so much to slip away. Let’s refuse to live the “happy” legislated life.

Instead, let us charge our glasses, be upstanding and drink a hearty toast to:

“The Worshipful Company of Glass Sellers. May it flourish root and branch forever, and good health to the master.”

After Dinner Speech delivered to The Worshipful Company of Glass Sellers (City of London).