One more miracle
A cache of leaked emails reveals the impediments to reforming higher education
For more than 150 years, academics have extolled John Henry (Cardinal) Newman's views on the mission and practice of higher education. In his often-cited book, The Idea of a University, Newman asked universities to abjure practical learning, banish research to special institutes, and focus on the humanities.
The Catholic Church canonised Newman in 2019. Newly discovered emails detailing the events leading up to his sainthood appear below.
From: CEO@celestial.org
To: JohnHenryNewman@nirvana.org
Subject: One more miracle
Dear John (or should I say, Blessed John),
Congratulations on your beatification. Pope Benedict did a great job; the crowd in Birmingham was impressed. Of course, beatification is only the beginning. Now you must move to the next stage. Before reaching sainthood, you must perform one more miracle, and there's no time like eternity.
Your mission is to reform higher education. Although academics still pay homage to your idea of a university, higher education institutions are losing the plot. Following every new fad, forensic science graduates now outnumber criminals. You must save the universities before it's too late. Fortunately, many academics claim to venerate your ideas, so yours should be an easy miracle.
From tomorrow, you will occupy the body of the Vice-Chancellor and President of the University of Woolloomooloo. He happens to have the same initials as you (JHN). Go forth and lead!
Bless you,
CEO
Opinions expressed in this letter represent the wisdom of the ages. Think before printing.
From: JHN@woolloomooloo.edu.au
To: AcademicStaff@woolloomooloo.edu.au
Topic: The future of the University
Dear Colleagues,
I just finished reading our mission and vision statements, and I believe that we need to re-think our idea of what constitutes higher education.
Over the years, many of you have favourably referred to John Cardinal Newman's idea of a university. Indeed, every time a university leader or a government minister dared to tinker with the university curriculum, campus speech rules, or the course of academic careers, you have invoked Newman to explain why these changes would violate university ideals. Well, I am happy to say that you have convinced me. Newman's idea of a university will now be our model. Let's bring his ideas back to life here at Woolloomooloo U.
Although they would not have agreed on much else, Newman shared with Benjamin Disraeli a belief that a university is, or should be, a place of "light and learning" devoted to teaching and the development of character.
Research and vocational training should be done elsewhere, in graduate schools or special institutes. As Newman said, practical knowledge is a "deal of trash". Our goals should be moral and spiritual. From now on, we will be concerned with students' character, not just their skills.
To advance toward Newman's vision, I have asked the Academic Senate to examine our courses and to begin replacing instrumental and vocational subjects with rhetoric, philosophy, Latin, theology, and history. From now on, academic research will be conducted during non-teaching periods, and promotions will be based only on teaching excellence.
Yours truly,
JHN
Vice-Chancellor and President
Opinions expressed in this letter represent the wisdom of the 19th Century. Think before printing.
From: Minister@Dept of Skills, Techniques, Aptitudes, Crafts, Dexterities, Smarts, Handiness and Higher Education
To: JHN@woolloomooloo.edu.au
Subject: Economic Priorities
Dear Vice-Chancellor and President,
I am alarmed by your recent communication to staff passed on to me by a concerned member of your university’s academic Department of Circus Science.
The ideas you express are excellent, and I am sure that everyone in my government agrees, in theory, but you must recognise that the times have changed since Cardinal Newman came up with them.
Today's economy must be repositioned for growth, with a re-interfacing of the information superhighway so that our graduates are at the cutting edge of the knowledge-based post-industrial paradigm. We in the education space need to step up to the plate, push the envelope and start to think outside of the circle, square and box. We want Woolloomooloo U to be an innovative, seamless, borderless, world-class, business-facing institution going forward.
I am sure you understand,
Minister
Opinions expressed in this letter represent the current wisdom. Think before printing.
From: President@academicunion.woolloomooloo.edu.au
To: JHN@woolloomooloo.edu.au
Subject: Economic Priorities
Dear Vice-Chancellor and President,
I am sorry to have to write in this vein, but I must. My academic union members have asked me to let you know, in the strongest possible terms, that they will not accept changes to their working conditions, the courses they teach or to anything else whatsoever.
As you note, we respect Cardinal Newman's ideas—especially his belief that academics deserve generous taxpayer support. But, if he were around today, he would have certainly changed his mind about the central role of research and why academics need teaching relief to pursue it. Moreover, Newman did not live in a knowledge economy. Today's graduates require skills such as those available in courses such as circus science, golf course management, and surfing.
I am empowered to say that, unless your proposed changes are suspended and subjected to proper consultation, we will have no choice but to take industrial action.
Sincerely yours,
President, Academic Union
Opinions expressed in this letter represent academic wisdom. Think before printing.
From: mick@students.woolloomooloo.edu.au
To: JHN@woolloomooloo.edu.au
Subject: We don't want no moral education
You must be, like, kidding, right? We want jobs, and that means we need to, like, learn how to do them, right? Anyway, how can you teach morals when there is no such thing as right or wrong? I may want to drink beer a lot, and you might not so, like, who's right then? See what I mean?
Opinions expressed in this letter are distressingly common. Think before printing.
From: JHN@woolloomooloo.edu.au
To: CEO@celestial.org
Subject: Heaven will have to wait
Dear CEO,
I think my mission might take a bit longer than you thought.
Your devoted servant,
JOHN
Opinions expressed in this letter are simply realistic. Think before printing.
A PDF of this article may be found at:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PhB27KDWhPmsveLKSLzgUvlUAeyiHqbc/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=1173
Very droll, I get the point!
Steve, as it happens, concurrently unearthed from an early social media network prototype:
@rageagainstedu
I don’t want two waste my life studying boomer, just show me the m0ney. @blessedjohn you m0therf#%@k I hope u die.